I’m afraid that when I first meet people, they get the wrong impression of me. I think that I come across as shy, quiet and reserved, possibly even standoffish (though I really hope that isn’t the case). I probably think you’re really awesome and want to be talkative and funny and be super mega best friends with you, but the truth is … I think you’re way too cool for me.
Around the people I know really well – my family, my friends who I’ve known for a couple of years – I can be completely insane. I will bounce around and make ridiculously hideous faces and hysterically laugh way too much. But when it comes to meeting new people I get suddenly completely awkward and aware of every word I say and every part of my body language.
I try to pump myself up as much as possible before these situations, I’ll tell myself ‘just relax and be yourself and talk freely and it’ll be awesome’, but then I get there and my mind goes completely blank. I can hardly think of responses or anything to say at all and so I become very quiet and retreat into my little turtle shell.
One of the biggest reasons for this is that I think that I’m not cool. Like, at all. Take my boyfriend for instance. The first time I met him I thought he was possibly one of the most attractive people I had ever seen, and he seemed effortlessly confident and awesome with the perfect dash of nerd that I find irresistible. So, naturally, I thought it completely impossible he would ever be interested in me. Despite his (now obvious) flirting, something in my mind was completely oblivious to the fact someone like him could like me.
Another good example are my boyfriend’s friends. I think they’re some of the coolest, funniest, most awesome people I’ve ever met. It’s taken me about a year to get fairly comfortable with them, and even now I sometimes feel like an imposter at parties. Like someone will realise that I’m not cool enough to be there and cast me out.
This isn’t anything at all to do with the people themselves; they’re absolutely lovely to me. I realise completely this weird complex is all in my own mind but somehow that doesn’t overcome it.
I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling this way. Do you have a weird contradictory extrovert/introvert personality? Do you automatically assume everyone around you is coolly confident while you’re an awkward turtle? Let me know so I can sigh heavily with you.